Suicide
by ChaosAngel767
Summary: A one-shot I wrote on impulse. Kairi contemplates suicide. Morbid I know but I went with it. This fanfic is in no way connected with my others. It's a stand alone. Read and review. Thank you


**A new fanfic. Yay! Well…sort of. It's new but the subject isn't that positive. But still, new.**

**I thought about using Sora for this but he's the optimist and he just seems so strong. Riku seems too…unbending and he's faced his demons and won. So Kairi. Kairi has always seemed a bit on the weak side to me. No offence but still. So here's her test of strength.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Disney, Square Enix or anything else, except my storyline and the characters I created.**

Kairi was walking home from school when it happened. She just…broke.

She's been trying, really trying, since returned to the Islands. Really, she has. But she was alone, always alone, Yes she had friends, lots and lots of them, but she was still alone. Her mother had sent her to a psychologist a week after she'd gotten back because she'd been quiet and withdrawn. The psychologist had deemed her severely depressed.

Kairi hadn't been surprised when her parents had yelled at her, then at each other then at her again. It was their way of coping with stress, yelling at each other seemed to fill the gap unconditional love was supposed to fill.

Kairi had accepted her diagnosis, had silently swallowed the pills and the talks. She said the necessary words, the required emotions flashed across her face, during her sessions with her therapist. At first she'd been honest with her: saying she felt nothing at all, that she couldn't sleep for more than four hours, that she felt dead inside. When the therapist had rejected her story and said she was lying Kairi slowly changed her story.

Lies…they soon flowed like blood from a mortal wound from Kairi's mouth, for lies seemed easier than speaking the same truth, the same story. She felt dead inside, she couldn't sleep, she felt nothing at all. And after a while her therapist dismissed her, saying she was cured. Though she wasn't. She still felt dead.

Kairi had always been subdued so no one took it as a bad sign when she stopped talking to her friends, stopped talking altogether in fact when it wasn't necessary. She kept to her room, slowly changing the pink to a colour that fit her more. Black replaced pink and white replaced purple. Her walls went from a very childish purple to white, her pink bed became black and white, her drapes blacked out the sun.

No one found it strange that she started to always wear long sleeves, since summer was fading and mist often fogged over windows and obscured the roads in the morning.

Little did anyone know that sweet Kairi, innocent Kairi who was never rude and who never raised her voice for anything, was thinking of killing herself. And she tried killing herself more than once. She slit her wrists in the bathtub once, waking up later with a splitting headache. She swallowed a dozen pills only to puke her guts out ten minutes later.

And so she stopped, clearly her body didn't want to die just yet. And she had her anger. Ever since she'd stopped taking her anti-depression pills she'd started to feel emotions again. Not happiness or joy but emotions. Anger pulsed within her. Hatred and self-loathing made her blood boil. But she never once showed it. Not once did she lose control. For she was Kairi, the sweet girl who would always be nice and always succeed in whatever she tried.

When her father cheated on her mom she felt nothing, she silently wished the bastard well and gave a small smile when the whore messaged her. But not once did she voice her opinions, not once did she say whether she was for her mother or her father. Her mother sheltered her and gave her everything she needed to survive comfortably. Her father owed her money and she was not above stoking the hungry fires of that guilt to get money from him. She needed her mother, just as her father needed her.

And so she lived, for three years it went on like that, her mother broken from her father's betrayal and her father working himself to death in a vain attempt to get rid of the guilt.

And while the world changed Kairi watched, in relative silence she watched and learned. When her mother had her intelligence tested they refused to tell her what the tests showed. The one time Kairi had cornered a psychologist and demanded to know all the dear doctor would say was that Kairi would never have difficulty with anything she wanted to do academically. And she also said that Kairi had a very broad but exceedingly accurate view on most every situation she focused on.

But that meant little to Kairi. She went to school, said nothing all day and walked home. She had no complaints, she had no qualms of what to do with her life after school. She had a plan and she would follow it to the letter. And she was. Even though she never studied her grades remained where she wanted them to remain, year after year her average refused to change, even though everyone around her had an average that soared and fell by ten by the term.

Kairi was walking home from school when it happened. Her emotions, the emotions she'd spent years suppressing, spewed forth. Because she looked at a patch of grass that was dying from too little water she contemplated life. 'What is this? Why is it green when it's alive and brown when it dies? Why does it turn black when it burns? Why does it turn to ash? It has a purpose in life, it lives to keep the ground in tact and to feed the animals. To be beautiful. And yet it dies so easily. From such a small thing as thirst. But most things can be destroyed so easily from something so simple. People can die from lack of water or too much water. A little speck of iron can end a life. Life is so easily ended…and yet all living things will fight with everything ai has to remain alive. Why? Why is life so beautiful?'

Kairi pondered this for over an hour, just standing by that small patch of grass, thinking and coming up with an answer that satisfied her. Logic had always comforted her, had always centred the insanity around her. But for once logic failed to save her, for logic be damned when faced with life. Even an ant has a will to live, anyone would fight to their last to remain alive. Everyone except her. She wanted to die. Didn't she?

When her logic failed her and her life was thrown into chaos because of such a small thing as a blade of grass dying. Her life thrown into chaos because of the ants marching close to her feet, carrying food to their nest so that they could live…

Kairi snapped, her mind left her. Her emotions erupted and she sobbed, tears dripping from her eyes. She opened her mouth to let out a sob when she chocked. She couldn't cry…she didn't know how. She had no memory of crying. Not when her dog was run over. Not when her cat was torn to shreds by her neighbour's dogs. She had no memory of her own tears. People yes, but never her own. So she did the one thing she could. She let out a scream, a scream that escaped her parted lips faster than she knew possible.

When someone tried to touch her Kairi shied away, giving a single glance at the wide eyed blonde boy with the blue eyes and kind face before she ran home. She ran wildly, as if Hell itself was waiting to swallow her if she stopped.

When her room's door slammed shut behind her Kairi felt her strength leave her, sobbing into her arms as she slumped down to the floor.

As she cried Kairi couldn't help but think of her reasons for living. When all she could come up with was spite she gave up, instead thinking of what would happen if she died. 'Nothing really. Sure mom would break but that's okay. She has her boy-toy. Father would probably cry for me but he has his whore.'

Before she could even think Kairi found herself sitting on the edge of her bathtub, holding the bloody razor in her hand as blood slowly dripped into the bathtub. 'No reason to leave a mess.' She got into the tub and looked down at her wrist, the jagged cut weeping scarlet tears that seemed beautiful to her. She followed a single drop as it slid over her white skin, dripping down into a small puddle in front of her. 'Lost it again. Why do I always lose everything beautiful in m y life? Before…that boy. He was beautiful, wasn't he? He was so filled with life, wasn't he?'

Kairi contented herself with knowing someone had cared enough to try and help her when she'd broken down. She smiled slightly as she switched the razor to her other hand, cutting deeply into her still-whole wrist. She flinched slightly at the burning pain but she didn't shy away, opening her wrist further to quicken the flow of her lifeblood.

As her life left her Kairi lay back in the tub, now too weak to hold herself up. 'Well…at least I know I'll die this time. No chance of stopping the bleeding, I can't even lift my head, never mind wrapping a towel around my arm.'

And strangely enough she found this funny. So she did what she hadn't done in years. She laughed, she really laughed. And as she laughed she chocked. The loss of blood was slowly suffocating her, her lungs were starting to contract. And as her heart slowed Kairi closed her eyes and smiled once again, thinking about how beautiful the day had been.

"It was beautiful."

**Alright so…a suicide fanfic. Something I've never written about from my perspective. Sure I've written essays about it and talked with friends about suicide but never about me. Always someone else. Never me. And because everyone around me sees me as an apathetic person no one's ever asked me if I would try to commit suicide. Fact is I've tried. And I've been thinking about it lately. Not that I'm going to try but still. Some of the things I mention are real. Such as a cheating father. The IQ test and such. The pills and the wrist cutting aren't true.**

**But anyway…hope you enjoyed this morbid tale about a character I haven't developed so much in my fanfics. Though I'm working on developing Kairi as much as I possibly can in Darkness is Eternal. I'm almost done with that one.**

**This fanfic is in no way connected to my other fanfics nor is it connected to Kingdom Hearts at all. I wrote this on impulse.**

**The day is beautiful, never forget that.**


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